Creationist Quote of the Day

Glen Peterson
“… If you have never been on a real dinosaur excavation with God-fearing, experienced creationary (not evolutionary) teachers … it is one of the most delightful, meaningful and memorable things you will ever do in your life! The mere idea of unearthing the remains of creatures that have been preserved by sediments laid down during the global flood is stimulating enough. The truly wonderful bonus is to see an unbelieving friend softened toward the Lord as they see and feel the evidence of God’s awesome power revealed in the rocks.”

*snigger*

Science and Pseudoscience

Why is it that when a bunch of guys go meandering through the wilderness looking for new species that we have no reason at all to believe exist it is considered a valid, worthwhile and commendable scientific pursuit, but when a bunch of guys go out into the wilderness looking for an animal whose physical characteristics are well known, which has hundreds of reported sightings, traces, possible hair samples, photographs, film, and allegedly some DNA collected, it is considered to be the worthless pseudoscientific waste of time that could only be taken serious by idiots and gullible kooks?

Redneck Murder

“Do you know why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder?… ‘Cause there’s no dental records and all the DNA is the same.”
~Jeff Foxworthy

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Put in a Blender

I was in English class today and the professor introduced to us students the idea of the “rhetorical triangle.” The three points of this triangle are: “Logos,” “Pathos,” and “Ethos”.

Logos refers to the author’s logical appeal.

Pathos refers to the way the author appeals to the emotions of the reader.

Ethos is how authoritative and/or ethical the author comes across as being.

These three terms originate in the ancient Greek language as guides to public speakers in such obsessively political city-states as Athens. Being as old as they are, and the influence the Greeks had on the Romans, it’s not surprising that these words left linguistic “descendants” that we still use in English today. The professor tried to incite us to name some based on similarities between these terms and words we use in everyday conversation.

“Can anyone name anything that sounds or looks like ‘Logos’?”

“Logic!”

“Great! What about Pathos?”

“Empathy!”
“Pathetic!”

“Good job. Can anyone name a word that sounds like ‘Ethos’?”

“Ethics!”

“Good. Can anyone think of anything else?”

“Pepto-Bismol!”

“…” The professor pretends to have not heard that a student had just suggested with one hundred percent sincerity that the word Pepto-Bismol was somehow related to the ancient Greek rhetorical term “Ethos.” Where did that come from? I swear, you can’t make this crap up.

I just finished playing Everlong

I just finished playing Everlong. Thank God. I thought it would never end. That’s gotta be the most aptly named RPG Maker game I’ve ever played. Whew. Expect a review… eventually.

Damn the Odds

“I decide that even if I eventually wind up selling shoes in Mississippi, I shall train as a vertebrate palaeontologist because that is what I want to do and damn the odds.”
-Distinguished Australian paleontologist Thomas H. Rich

Deletionist Wikipedians

They are douchebags.

50 Things That Would be More Enjoyable and/or Productive Than Doing my Crappy English Assignment

Playing crappy RPG Maker games.

Collecting my belly-button lint and sorting it by color and texture.

Posting nude photos of myself on the internet.

Being mummified. Alive.

Deleting all my spam email messages individually.

Sending spam email messages advertising products I won’t profit from to other people… also individually.

Imagining what I would look like with various facial hair configurations.

Speculating on the sound of one hand clapping.

Lighting stuff on fire.

Reliving my childhood by starting a Pokemon fanfic.

Anything which results in my death.

Anything which results in your death.

Getting arrested for threatening blog posts.

Self immolation on the White House lawn in protest over… something happening in another hemisphere.

Picking my nose.

Eating it.

Vomiting, ’cause that’s really gross. Seriously. The second one, I mean. Everybody picks their nose, right?

Learning Mandarin Chinese and then translating the complete works of Confucius into Pig Latin.

Being kidnapped by unfriendly space aliens, stripped and ejected from the craft to enjoy the warm fuzzy sensation of slowly suffocating while my blood boils in the pressureless, anoxic vacuum of space.

Paying Bloom 06 to change their name back to Eiffel 65.

Sitting in a pitch black room trying to be as still and quiet as possible.

THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEEEEEEVVVVEEEEEERRRR ENNNDDDDDSSS! IT JUST GOES ON AND ON MY FRIEEEEEEEEENNNDDDDSSS!!!

Showering and powdering myself with soot. Then attending a meeting of the Ku Klux Klan.

Compiling a genealogy and scouring it for signs of incest.

Praying that certain negative cultural stereotypes are wrong.

Cybering undercover police officers in chatrooms.

Resisting arrest.

Stealthily replacing the blanks set aside for a Civil War reenactment with real bullets.

Overthrowing the government.

Learning American Sign Language.

Utilizing Universal Sign Language by flippin’ the bird at as many people as possible.

Bench pressing without a spotter.

Siring you a baby brother.

Siring you a baby sister.

Resorting to lame yo’ mama jokes.

I’m running out of ideas.

Getting high by licking a toad.

Getting killed by licking one of those colorful jungle frogs.

Editing the List of prehistoric sponges on Wikipedia.

Feeling pathetic because I know I’d actually have fun doing that.

Trying to have a rational discussion with a creationist.

Reading the instructions to my microwave. In Korean.

Ordering a dozen mail-order brides and starting a low-key brothel.

Downloading a pirated copy of a Backstreet Boys album and burning it to a CD. Then breaking it in half and jamming the pieces as deep into my eye sockets as I can.

Testing by trial and error whether the laws of gravity hold true over all of the earth’s surface.

Jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch.

Sneaking into the monkey exhibit at a local zoo and timing to see how long it is before the staff to realize that one of these apes is not like the others.

Lighting even more stuff on fire.

Painting my face with honey and jamming my head into a beehive.

Compiling a list of fifty things that would be more productive than doing my homework.

Out of the Dark Mystery of Time and Space

H. G. Wells, The War of the Worlds
“With infinite complacence people went to and fro over the earth about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small spinning fragment of solar driftwood which by chance or design man has inherited out of the dark mystery of Time and Space.”

I love that quote!

Demotivators

Sometimes I Think the Cosmos Conspires Against Me

Sometimes I think the cosmos conspires against me. Not to hurt me, or kill me, that would be too flattering. If the Will of the Macrocosm is out to get you killed, you can at least rest assured that your life has some importance. Mine obviously doesn’t fall under that category, though. I think the universe goes out of its way just to make me look like an idiot. Example:

The other day, my dad dropped me off on campus so that I could buy my text books at the campus bookstore and pay my tuition. So when I finished doing that, I called Dad and told him to pick me up. I go to sit and wait at the usual spot that Dad picks me up at when such a thing is necessary.

I know that Dad is coming to pick me up in a slightly dirty, white Chevy Malibu and that he’s wearing a hat and has our dog with him. So when a white Malibu pulls up, driven by a guy in a hat, that appears to be leaning over and petting a dog, I go around the car and yank on the passsenger side door. Strangely it’s locked. I peek in the window and see what look like financial papers all over the seat. Like bank statements or something. WTF? I don’t remember dad saying he was going to the bank. And where’s Yorkie? I just saw Dad petting him.

Then I noticed that the guy in the driver’s seat was a black dude. Yeah… how ’bout that. And the leaning over bit? He was messing with those papers, not petting a dog. Now, I ask you: What are the chances that a slightly dirty white Chevy Malibu driven by a guy in a hat that’s acting like he’s messing with a dog would pull in the exact spot at the exact time that I expect to see dad arriving in a slightly dirty white Chevy Malibu wearing a hat and petting a dog?

And then of course, there are witnesses to whom I must explain why I just randomly went up to a car and tried to open the door. And then get laughed at. Yes, yes, I’m sure it was just hilarious. Seriously, this is all too convenient for it to be anything other than a conspiracy of cosmic proportions. Somebody up there is out to get me.

Don’t Count on Hearing From Me For A While

To make a long story short, I missed paying my tuition deadline and was administratively withdrawn from the university. Which sounds really scary. Except it’s not. All it did was make tuition payment an inconvenience, as I had to wait for Uni to process all the payments and registrations of the punctual students before I could get mine in.

I felt stupid. I had just completely forgot, until a few hours after the deadline. That’s always how my memory works. I forget until it’s too late to do anything, but I remember early enough that I have plenty of time to stress and stew over whatever it was I forgot about. I wasn’t worried this time, though. I had done the same thing last semester (that time because I was out of town) and had little trouble out of it.

I informed my dad that due to my stupidity we would not be able to pay my tuition until I was out of town. Actually, this is gonna be a long story anyway. Sorry about that. Which meant that he would have to stop by the bursar’s office to pay my bill. Not a major burden.

So imagine my surprise when yesterday my dad calls and gives me a delivery through the phone. Turns out that Dad wanted to serve me a heaping platter of Tirade liberally peppered with profanity, threats and spiced with character attacks.

He congratulates me on being kicked out of college with no hope of readmission. Although by “congratulate” I mean “scream ’til his voice was too hoarse to continue.” Eventually there was a loud crashing noise. I think he threw the phone. Then there was static. I think he broke the phone. And that was that, I guess. I bet you $100 he’s gonna blame me for “making” him break the phone, too.

I was kinda confused. I knew about my withdrawal, and so did Dad. Compounding my confusion was the fact that a couple hours beforehand I was online on my university “information liaison online,” or whatever it was called, that said my account with school was fully registered for courses, in academic good standing, not owing any fees apart from tuition and that once I paid that I was all set. Still, dad was so upset that I started worrying myself.

So, I set about trying to rectify the situation. One hour later I was reinstated as a student sans paid tuition. Problem go bye-bye. And just to let you get a better idea of how fast it was solved, I should inform you that most of that hour was spent navigating my school’s moronically designed website (which incidentally gets worse with each update), trying to get ahold of an employee at the registrar’s office (for some reason I couldn’t get anyone until I called another branch of the staff and have them transfer me to the registrar) and then calling Dad who was apparently too miffed to answer the phone.

When Dad finally decided to pick up, he apparently never bothered to check the like, 8 messages I left, so he didn’t know I solved the problem. Looks like I was getting second helpings of that Tirade. Yum.

Dad continued his tirade, anyway, despite me carefully explaining that there was no more problem, and never really . I think that bruised ego may be the cause of this. Maybe he was ticked that after all that screaming and swearing and throwing stuff
around all it took was 3 minutes on the phone with the lady to solve the problem.

To cut to the chase, he ended up blaming the incident on being “lazy,” and my being “lazy” on my seemingly excessing computer use. Dad says that from now on my computer is for school work and school work only. And, he adds that if he catches me “playing stupid games” he’ll “bust it up and throw it over the hillside.”

This’ll all blow over. Eventually. But until then, which may be a duration of time last from zero days to several months, don’t be surprised if I don’t post much, if at all.

Things I’ve Learned in Church Part 4: The Truth About Morality

Revenge of the standard intro!

The following is a list of things I’ve learned in church. This is not some sort of parody of fundamentalism. All of these are things I have actually heard in sermons, or during conversations with people that attend or associate with the church(es) I go to.

The Truth About Morality

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It’s a mortal sin to grow a beard.

It’s a sin to watch TV.

TV is so evil that even talking about it in a holy place like a church is bad. Sometimes it’s a necessary evil, though, to warn those unrepentant TV-watching sinners.

It’s a sin to have sex with an animal. Or another man. Or a woman you’re not married to. And if all that wasn’t bad enough, it’s a sin to have sex with… your own wife.

It’s a sin to dye your hair. The only reason a woman would ever dye her hair is if she’s looking for sex. That’s the only possible reason.

Disbelieving in the Holy Spirit or it’s divinity is the unforgivable sin. This means that all non-Christians and all non-Trinitarian Christians are going to hell with no possibility of redemption. It is impossible to convert to True Christianity^TM, you just better pray that you were born into a family with the correct beliefs.

Playing checkers isn’t always a sin- only if you’re gambling money over it. See, and I bet you thought I was fanatically strict! I’m actually very liberal and open-minded.

Drinking alcohol is a sin, even though the Bible says it isn’t. Communion should be taken with grape juice.

Gambling is a sin, no I can’t back that up with scripture, why would you ask such a silly question?

If talking to a member of the opposite sex while your married isn’t a sin, it might as well be.

It’s a sin to go to church with a sinner.

You think that’s it? Oh no, there’s more to come when I report to you The Truth About: The Bible.

Things I’ve Learned in Church Part 3: The Truth About God and the Spiritual World

If you read my last installment, you know the drill: the following is a list of things I’ve learned in church. This is not some sort of parody of fundamentalism. All of these are things I have actually heard in sermons, or during conversations with people that attend or associate with the church(es) I go to.

The Truth About God and the Spiritual World

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God is male, and don’t you ever imply otherwise.

Everyone will be male in heaven, even if they were female in life.

God is anatomically identical to a normal human male, just made out of a spritual substance.

In heaven we’ll be zipping about as if we were on ice skates.

In hell you won’t have a spiritual body. Or burn up. How the physical body becomes flame-proofed is unknown.

In hell you’ll be seeing visions of Jesus being crucified for your sins over and over again. This has to be in scripture somewhere…

Heaven will be so nice because you’ll never have to see a woman wearing makeup there.

Animals don’t go to Heaven. This is a sign of how merciful God is to humans, not how cruel and neglectful He is to the other 999,999 species on this planet.

Still more to come, unfortunately. Our next episode will feature the truth about… morality.

Things I’ve Learned in Church Part 2: The Truth About Science and the Intellect

And now… the standard intro:

The following is a list of things I’ve learned in church. This is not some sort of parody of fundamentalism. All of these are things I have actually heard in sermons, or during conversations with people that attend or associate with the church(es) I go to.

The Truth About Science and the Intellect

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Dinosaurs were invented by the Catholic Church to lure people away from True Christianity^TM and towards evolution and science and to diminish Jesus Christ’s prominence in our culture.

The earth is flat and rectangular.

Science and space travel are good things, although learning about God should be more important than learning about the universe.

The moon landing was a hoax.

After Yuri Gagarin went into space he mocked God by saying “I looked and I looked but I didn’t see God.” Not only is this convincing proof that all of science is evil, but it was enough to make God angry enough to kill poor Yuri by forcing him to crash in a cornfield

The moon is insubstantial and made of light. Anyone who claims it’s made of stone is an anti-bible liar.

The reason NASA sends people into space is because they believe they’ll find God up there floating in orbit. They’re so stupid and spiritually blind that they don’t know that God is an invisible spirit!

Science is a fundamentally dishonest enterprise. All scientists are liars. All of them.

All of mankind’s intellectual achievements are rooted in the Bible.

Nissan cars are named after the Hebrew month that Christ was crucified.

Bank vaults were based on Christ’s tomb. Nobody was smart enough to think of protecting valuables that may potentially be stolen in a fortified room.

Christmas present wrapping paper is based on Christ being wrapped in swaddling clothes. No one is smart enough to think of keeping presents a surprise by covering them in paper.

A practical education is good. Science, theology and all that other theoretical mumbo jumbo is evil, though.

There are twelve races of humans, one for each gemstone in the walls surrounding heaven. Even the Amethyst. I for one, am looking forward to meeting a purple skinned guy.

People who desire to use science as a means of learning how God made the world are hypocritical impostor Christians.

Charles Darwin begged God for forgiveness before he died, but received no mercy.

Every so-called “natural” exposed rock-face in the world is the result of God’s wrath after the crucifixion.

“For the world by wisdom knew not God…” Take that, Mr. Smartypants!

That wraps up today’s edition of “Things I’ve Learned in Church!” Tune in next time for “Part 3:  The Truth About God and the Spiritual World”