And now… the standard intro:
The following is a list of things I’ve learned in church. This is not some sort of parody of fundamentalism. All of these are things I have actually heard in sermons, or during conversations with people that attend or associate with the church(es) I go to.
The Truth About Science and the Intellect
Dinosaurs were invented by the Catholic Church to lure people away from True ChristianityTM and towards evolution and science and to diminish Jesus Christ’s prominence in our culture.
The earth is flat and rectangular.
Science and space travel are good things, although learning about God should be more important than learning about the universe.
The moon landing was a hoax.
After Yuri Gagarin went into space he mocked God by saying “I looked and I looked but I didn’t see God.” Not only is this convincing proof that all of science is evil, but it was enough to make God angry enough to kill poor Yuri by forcing him to crash in a cornfield
The moon is insubstantial and made of light. Anyone who claims it’s made of stone is an anti-bible liar.
The reason NASA sends people into space is because they believe they’ll find God up there floating in orbit. They’re so stupid and spiritually blind that they don’t know that God is an invisible spirit!
Science is a fundamentally dishonest enterprise. All scientists are liars. All of them.
All of mankind’s intellectual achievements are rooted in the Bible.
Nissan cars are named after the Hebrew month that Christ was crucified.
Bank vaults were based on Christ’s tomb. Nobody was smart enough to think of protecting valuables that may potentially be stolen in a fortified room.
Christmas present wrapping paper is based on Christ being wrapped in swaddling clothes. No one is smart enough to think of keeping presents a surprise by covering them in paper.
A practical education is good. Science, theology and all that other theoretical mumbo jumbo is evil, though.
There are twelve races of humans, one for each gemstone in the walls surrounding heaven. Even the Amethyst. I for one, am looking forward to meeting a purple skinned guy.
People who desire to use science as a means of learning how God made the world are hypocritical impostor Christians.
Charles Darwin begged God for forgiveness before he died, but received no mercy.
Every so-called “natural” exposed rock-face in the world is the result of God’s wrath after the crucifixion.
“For the world by wisdom knew not God…” Take that, Mr. Smartypants!
That wraps up today’s edition of “Things I’ve Learned in Church!” Tune in next time for “Part 3: The Truth About God and the Spiritual World”
This entry was posted on Thursday, January 3rd, 2008 at 6:48 am and is filed under Religion, Spirituality, and Doubt, Things I've Learned in Church. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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January 3, 2008 at 1:57 pm |
I was actually at a mainstream Christian convention where a guy had a display in the exhibit area that “proved” that the earth was the center of the solar system and that the sun and planets went around the earth (which is a prerequisite belief to assert that the earth is the center of the universe).
He had charts and graphs, so he must have been right.
January 4, 2008 at 3:41 pm |
Indeed. Charts and graphs are almost as irrefutable as Scripture!