Things I’ve Learned in Church Part 4: The Truth About Morality

Revenge of the standard intro!

The following is a list of things I’ve learned in church. This is not some sort of parody of fundamentalism. All of these are things I have actually heard in sermons, or during conversations with people that attend or associate with the church(es) I go to.

The Truth About Morality

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It’s a mortal sin to grow a beard.

It’s a sin to watch TV.

TV is so evil that even talking about it in a holy place like a church is bad. Sometimes it’s a necessary evil, though, to warn those unrepentant TV-watching sinners.

It’s a sin to have sex with an animal. Or another man. Or a woman you’re not married to. And if all that wasn’t bad enough, it’s a sin to have sex with… your own wife.

It’s a sin to dye your hair. The only reason a woman would ever dye her hair is if she’s looking for sex. That’s the only possible reason.

Disbelieving in the Holy Spirit or it’s divinity is the unforgivable sin. This means that all non-Christians and all non-Trinitarian Christians are going to hell with no possibility of redemption. It is impossible to convert to True Christianity^TM, you just better pray that you were born into a family with the correct beliefs.

Playing checkers isn’t always a sin- only if you’re gambling money over it. See, and I bet you thought I was fanatically strict! I’m actually very liberal and open-minded.

Drinking alcohol is a sin, even though the Bible says it isn’t. Communion should be taken with grape juice.

Gambling is a sin, no I can’t back that up with scripture, why would you ask such a silly question?

If talking to a member of the opposite sex while your married isn’t a sin, it might as well be.

It’s a sin to go to church with a sinner.

You think that’s it? Oh no, there’s more to come when I report to you The Truth About: The Bible.